The author of this article is feeling content today. It’s a feeling that they never thought they would experience, especially after years of struggling with a debilitating phobia. But today, they are able to live a normal life, free from the fear and avoidance that once consumed them.
It all started at a party, where a stranger was telling a story about his stolen bike. But the author couldn’t focus on the story, as their attention was fixated on the knife on the table behind the stranger. This seemingly harmless object filled them with terror, and they couldn’t shake the feeling even as their friend nudged them to pay attention.
This fear of knives had developed out of nowhere, and it consumed the author’s thoughts every time they saw one. They couldn’t help but imagine all the bad things that could happen, from accidentally cutting off a finger to harming their loved ones. The fear was so intense that they secretly got rid of most of the knives in their house, leaving only the blunt ones behind.
But it wasn’t just knives that triggered this fear. The author also found themselves terrified of a crowbar they found while out walking. They begged their partner to throw it away, fearing that it could harm someone. This fear had taken over their life, and it wasn’t until they attended that party that they realized the extent of it.
It took six years of treatment and self-understanding for the author to be able to own a real set of knives again. But the journey to get there was not an easy one. As a child, they felt the need to always do the “right thing” and were afraid of making mistakes. They also had a fear of germs and couldn’t eat anything they had touched.
These fears were exacerbated during times of anxiety, such as starting high school, looking for a job, and working in the media industry. The author also suffered from intrusive thoughts, which were distressing and made them believe that if they ignored them, they would come true. While they had intrusive thoughts about various frightening events, the fear of knives felt like one they could control by avoiding them.
But as they entered their 20s, the author’s anxiety and perfectionism made their job in the media industry difficult to navigate. They had to take time off work due to their mental health, and even when they were working, they couldn’t switch off. The constant pressure and lack of control over their own life made them spiral even more.
At their breaking point, the author started going to therapy in the evenings, as it was the only free time they had. They knew they should have sought help earlier, but fear held them back. Despite the kindness of their therapist, they felt like something was missing, and they knew their brain was atypical. While they had been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, they knew it was something else.
It was at their desk in the newsroom that the author had a revelation. While browsing a website about mental illnesses, they clicked on the tab for OCD and read through the symptoms for the first time. They realized that they described them perfectly, from the constant checking to the overwhelming sense of responsibility for everything around them. The relief was instant, and they finally had an explanation for everything they had been feeling since childhood.
Although they didn’t want to rely on “Doctor Google” for a diagnosis, it made them reconsider their approach to their mental health. They decided to quit traditional counseling and seek help from a psychologist who specialized in phobias, OCD, and trauma.
After a few sessions, it was no surprise when the psychologist confirmed that the author did have OCD. They began cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) to manage their intrusive thoughts. Through CBT, they learned to challenge their thoughts and identify patterns of thinking that were causing unhappiness and holding them back from enjoying life.
Over time, the author learned to look at their thoughts more objectively and with less judgment. Instead of believing that their thoughts could make something happen, they started to think of all the times they had walked past a bus without getting hit. This helped them feel less afraid and more in control of their thoughts.
After about six months of treatment, the author was able to function better. While their condition was well-managed, they still had intrusive thoughts when they were tired or under a lot of stress. But they were able to manage them and continue living a normal life.
After the COVID pandemic, the author decided
