A Lorde Song About Gender Fluidity Became a Meme About Toxic Behavior with Over 83,000 Videos: Why We Need to Listen and Act
When Lorde released her song “Man of the Year” on May 29, 2025, listeners were immediately struck by the irony between the empowering lyrics and their personal experiences with men. But what started as a TikTok trend for women to call out bad behavior and mistreatment has turned into a conversation about the bystander effect and the need for men to become better allies.
The #ManOfTheYear trend, which has over 83,000 videos on TikTok, has women sharing screenshots, voicemails, and voice notes of men cheating, verbally abusing their partners, and displaying other toxic behaviors. It has become a collective platform for women to speak out against emotional abuse, manipulation, and gaslighting that have long thrived in silence.
However, the trend has been met with surprise and even disbelief from some men who are shocked by the stories they are hearing. Content creator Jordan Johnson, who goes by @Swifieinkc on TikTok, created a stitch response to one male content creator’s post. In the video, the male content creator questioned the participants by asking them where they were finding these awful men.
“I don’t know a single guy in my life who would text a woman like that,” said the male creator in the stitch. “Where are you finding these dudes?”
“In fact, statistics show that probably most of the men in your life have treated at least one woman like that at some point. They just don’t tell you how they treat women,” responded Johnson.
The irony of the trend is not lost on listeners, as Lorde’s song is actually about her experience with gender fluidity. But the power of the trend lies in its use of irony and satire to shed light on behaviors that women were previously told to “get over” or “stop exaggerating.”
Jenny Maenpaa, a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) and founder of the New York City Psychotherapy Collective, explains the significance of this trend. “For so long, emotional abuse, manipulation and gaslighting have thrived in silence. This trend uses irony and satire to shine a light on behaviours that women were previously told to ‘get over’ or ‘stop exaggerating.'”
But while the trend has sparked important conversations about toxic behavior, it has also highlighted the bystander effect and the need for men to become better allies. Many men have responded with statements like, “Well, you’re just picking the wrong guys” or “I don’t know anyone like that.”
According to Maenpaa, when men respond in this way, they are essentially saying, “I’m uncomfortable with this reality, so I’m going to distance myself from it.” The truth is that if a man doesn’t know any men who behave like this, he is either not paying attention or he is the one people are protecting.
In her video, Johnson also points out that many women are probably not participating in this trend because they are still in abusive relationships or because they fear their feelings will be dismissed. It takes a great deal of courage to get online and be vulnerable, and when men respond with statements like, “Actually, you might be the problem,” it can discourage more women from speaking out.
But we need to listen to women’s stories without inserting ourselves or trying to defend other men. As Suzannah Weiss, a marriage and family therapist and resident sexologist for Biird, puts it, “It is empowering for women to set the rules for what male behavior is acceptable and what isn’t, especially in a world where men have traditionally called the shots and gotten away with behavior they never should have.”
So how can men become better allies and break the cycle of toxic behavior? The first step is to listen and educate themselves on gender dynamics, consent, and emotional labor without relying on the women in their lives to be their teachers.
Maenpaa also emphasizes the importance of continuing to champion women beyond this trend. “Men can play a role in amplifying women’s perspectives – whether that means crediting their ideas, sharing their stories, or stepping back to make space for their leadership.”
Another crucial way men can be better allies is by holding their male friends accountable for their actions. “Men might be surprised by how many of their friends mistreat women behind closed doors,” says Weiss
