When They Take the Side of the Narcissist, a Flying Monkey May Genuinely Think They Are Advocating for the Good
Narcissists have a way of getting through to you, even when you’ve tried to create distance between you and them. They often employ a third party – a mutual friend, a sibling, or a coworker – to bypass any communication boundaries you’ve set. In online communities where people share their experiences with narcissists and emotional abusers, this third party is sometimes referred to as a “flying monkey” or the narcissist’s “wingman.” But regardless of the catchy terms, the role of the flying monkey is to enable the narcissist and uphold their reality.
According to Lauren Maher, a marriage and family therapist and author of “Mindfulness Workbook for Panic Attacks,” a flying monkey is someone who is used by the narcissist to harass, guilt trip, or plead their case. They may gather information, spread rumors, gaslight, bully, or minimize the reality of the person being abused by the narcissist. In short, they do the narcissist’s dirty work.
In her practice, Maher has observed two types of people who are chosen as flying monkeys. The first type consists of conflict-avoidant people-pleasers who are easily manipulated by the narcissist. These individuals may genuinely believe that they are advocating for the good when they take the side of the narcissist. For example, in families, a narcissistic parent may portray themselves as a victim, but in reality, they are emotionally abusive to one of their children. When the abused child sets boundaries with the parent, they may face pushback from another sibling who believes they are being selfish or tearing the family apart.
The second type of flying monkey is a willing ally of the narcissist. These individuals may have narcissistic traits themselves and are more cutthroat in their actions. They may throw a colleague under the bus to protect the interests or public image of a toxic boss, hoping to gain favor and climb the corporate ladder.
Regardless of the type of flying monkey, it is important to understand their role and how to handle them. Here are some tips from experts on how to deal with flying monkeys and maintain your boundaries.
1. Take a Pause When You Come Into Contact With an Enabler
Flying monkeys are often sent to provoke a reaction, such as guilt, shame, or defensiveness. But responding with emotion only gives them power and reinforces the narcissist’s control. Instead, try to remain calm and neutral. A simple response like “Thanks, but I’m not discussing this” or “My decision has been made, and I’m not looking for input” can be effective in shutting down the conversation.
2. Recognize That This Dynamic Is Common and Has a Name: Triangulation
In conflict, people often use triangulation to bring a third person into a relationship or conversation without directly confronting the person with whom they have an issue. This is what happens in flying monkey scenarios. The third party is sent in to stabilize the situation, which for the narcissist means bringing you back into their control. This is a common tactic used by narcissists, and it is important to recognize it for what it is.
3. Know That Anything You Tell the Flying Monkey Will Likely Get Back to the Narcissist
It is essential to understand that anything you say or do will most likely be reported back to the narcissist. Therefore, it is crucial to limit your communication and refuse to discuss the conflict. This may require setting firm boundaries and enforcing them, such as hanging up, walking away, or refusing to engage.
4. You Have Options When It Comes to Engaging With a Flying Monkey
Dealing with a flying monkey can be challenging, especially when it is someone you like or love. But it is essential to remember that you have options. You can try to agree to disagree with the flying monkey and avoid discussing the topic in the future. Alternatively, you can ask if they are open to hearing your side of the story and have a conversation about it. You can also set boundaries about what you are and are not willing to discuss with them. In some cases, it may be necessary to break off contact with the flying monkey for a while.
5. Lean Into Your Support System
Dealing with a flying monkey can be emotionally draining, and it is essential to have a support system to lean on. Surround yourself with people
