When it comes to sex, there are certain unspoken rules and expectations that most couples follow. One of those is to give your partner your undivided attention and focus during the act. However, a recent post on Reddit’s r/AmIOverreacting has sparked a debate about whether it is acceptable to use your phone during sex.
The post in question was written by a frustrated Redditor who caught her husband scrolling on his phone during their intimate moment. According to her, they were in a spooning position and having a “quickie” before bed when she grabbed her vibrator to use it. After a moment, she turned around to see her husband “very still” and scrolling on his phone. When she asked him what he was doing, he simply replied that he was “scrolling the news” and accused her of overreacting.
Unsurprisingly, this move was a major mood-killer for the original poster (OP). She questioned why her husband would even initiate sex if he was going to act bored and stare at his phone. She also wondered if she was making a bigger deal out of it than it actually was.
The question here is whether using a phone during sex is rude or not. To find out, we spoke to sex and relationship experts who shared their thoughts on the matter.
According to sex and relationship psychotherapist Miranda Christophers, it is best to check in with your partner before using your phone during sex. This is to understand what is acceptable and what each partner enjoys during partnered sex. If it is agreed upon beforehand, then it is okay to use phones. However, it is important to consider the other person’s preferences and boundaries. Some people may prefer to not have phones in the room or to remove potential distractions.
Sofie Roos, a sexologist and relationship therapist, believes that using phones in the middle of sex is “rude and disrespectful” if it happens without couples having talked about it first. While some couples may use phones to watch porn, Roos points out that using it for non-sexual purposes like scrolling through social media, playing games, or reading the news is even more rude.
“A big part of the pleasure during sex is to share the moment together and be fully connected and engaged with each other,” says Roos, who works with relationship magazine Passionerad. Using a phone in the middle of sex can be seen as a lack of interest, even if it is not meant that way. The partner may feel deprioritized and invisible, especially if it happens during a moment where they are experiencing the most pleasure, such as when using a sex toy.
According to Roos, using a phone at this point “signals that you don’t value that part of sex as much as when you are the one being satisfied.” It can also lead to questions about why the sex is so boring that the partner feels the need to prioritize their phone over it.
So, what should you do if your partner uses their phone during sex? Roos recommends clearly stating that you do not enjoy them being on their phone with a short comment like, “Can you put that away, please?” Christophers suggests pausing at this point and trying to understand why your partner is on their phone. Are they struggling to connect with the experience? Are they worried or anxious about something? Or are they trying to increase stimulation in some way? It is important to communicate openly and avoid making assumptions.
This could also be a good time to revisit what each of you enjoys in the bedroom and consider what helps you to fully immerse yourself in the experience. According to Roos, it is important to make your partner understand that you don’t enjoy them picking up the phone during intimacy. However, it is important to be respectful and constructive instead of confrontational. You could say something like, “Using the phone during sex made me feel sad and unsure about how interested you are in me. For me, sex with you is a moment to be close to each other, both physically and mentally. So, when you got on the phone, I was turned off.”
Finally, it is important to conclude the conversation by asking your partner to keep their phone away during sex in the future. If they respect you and value your sex life and relationship, they will have no problem accepting this.
In conclusion, using a phone during sex can be seen as rude and disrespectful if it happens without prior discussion or consent. It can also
