Empty Bed: When is a Bedroom Officially “Dead” and How to Revive It
Sex is an important aspect of any romantic relationship. It brings intimacy, pleasure, and connection between partners. However, therapists agree that there is no set number of times couples should have sex in a week. Every couple is different and what may be normal for one may not be for another. But what happens when a couple’s sex life comes to a halt, leaving one or both partners feeling unsatisfied and unhappy? This is where the term “dead bedroom” comes into play.
The moderators of the Reddit forum r/DeadBedrooms describe their page as a “support group for Redditors who are in a relationship with sex ten times a year or less and one or both partners are unhappy with it”. This means that a “dead” bedroom is one in which sex is basically absent. Members of this online group often talk about “constant rejection,” “frustration,” and even “feeling like a husk of a man.”
However, it is important to note that some couples are happy with a sexless relationship, and putting a number on the “ideal” amount of sex partners should have can be problematic. So, when does a bedroom become officially “dead” and what can be done about it? We spoke to sex and relationship therapist and author at Passionerad, Sofie Roos, as well as sexologist Dr Massimo Fontana at Massimo, to get their insights on this issue.
Do I have a “dead bedroom”?
According to Roos, there is no clear cutoff for when a bedroom is considered dead. It is a very subjective matter and depends on whether both partners are satisfied with the level of intimacy in their relationship. Dr Fontana agrees, saying that he has worked with a couple who only had sex five times a year but were both incredibly happy because they had all their other values aligned, including sexual values. In this case, a lack of sexual activity was not a problem at all.
“The simple answer to this is when both people feel they enter into the bedroom and feel alone and don’t feel the presence of the other person,” says Dr Fontana. Another key sign is when a lack of sex “has reached such a severe state that any form of approach is pushed back on.” Both experts emphasize that the quality of sex, not the quantity, is the key indicator of a “dead bedroom”. It is also important to consider how you feel about the amount of sex you are having. If you feel that the sex is distant, lacking initiative, and not fulfilling your needs, then it is a sign that there are problems in your sex life that need to be addressed.
How can I handle a “dead bedroom”?
The first step to reviving a “dead bedroom” is open, clear, and direct communication between partners. This may seem difficult, but it is vital if you want to overcome sexual dissatisfaction from one or both partners. According to Roos, a “dead bedroom” often happens due to issues outside of the bedroom such as stress, conflict, exhaustion, and poor communication.
“The best way to start rebuilding your sex life is often to sit down and talk about your situation, your needs, and what you wish you could have more of, as well as why your situation is the way it is, in a non-judging and respectful way,” she advises.
Dr Fontana suggests that couples facing a “dead bedroom” must have an honest conversation about six key topics: their desires, expectations (both met and unmet), values, any anger and how it has been silenced, feelings of loneliness and detachment in the relationship, and masturbation and how self-pleasure is being hidden. It is important to have these conversations without placing blame and taking ownership of your individual narrative.
Whatever approach you take, Dr Fontana stresses the importance of not waiting until things reach a breaking point before addressing the issue. “Ultimately, the bedroom is officially dead when you have two people no longer working on the foundations that maintain a relationship, but both have a choice. So, it’s not dead until you say it’s dead.”
In conclusion, there is no set number of times couples should have sex in a week. What matters is that both partners are satisfied with the level of intimacy in their relationship. If you feel that your bedroom is “dead,” it is important to have open and honest communication with your partner to address any
