At their best, romantic relationships are joyous and fulfilling, a safe place to land, a partnership through the good and bad. They provide us with a deep sense of connection, support, and happiness. However, getting to that point takes effort, patience, and two people who are willing to confront their unhealthy patterns, unspoken expectations, and communication shortcomings.
But unfortunately, this is not something that is often portrayed in popular media or openly discussed with friends and family. We are bombarded with glossy narratives of perfect relationships, leaving us with unrealistic expectations and a lack of understanding of the challenges that come with being in a romantic partnership.
As a result, when the honeymoon phase ends and the reality of a relationship sets in, many of us are caught off guard. We may feel like all we do is fight, or experience negative emotions like disappointment and resentment. This is when we enter the “power struggle” phase in our relationship.
The “power struggle” phase is a common occurrence in every romantic relationship, although the intensity may vary. It is a period where the initial infatuation and excitement of the relationship start to fade, and we are faced with the reality that our partner is a complex human being with their own opinions, habits, and ways of doing things. This can be a jarring realization, and it often leads to conflicts and challenges in the relationship.
According to Sabrina Zohar, a dating coach and podcaster, the power struggle phase is when a relationship transitions from a romantic comedy to real life. It is a time when we start to see our partner’s flaws and imperfections, and we may question whether we can live with them forever.
Reesa Morala, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, explains that during this phase, we are consciously or subconsciously asking ourselves two questions: “Can I live with this forever?” and “Can I get them to do what I want?” These questions reflect our desires for either change or control in the relationship.
The power struggle phase typically occurs between six months to two years into a relationship, although it can vary from couple to couple. It is a normal and necessary stage in the journey towards deeper intimacy, but it can feel overwhelming and scary when we are in the thick of it. Many couples break up during this stage, as the power struggle can be painful, and we often lack healthy examples of couples overcoming it.
So why does the power struggle phase happen? According to Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, LCPC, a relationship therapist and founder of The Marriage Restoration Project, the romantic stage of a relationship is necessary to get us in the door, but the power struggle is when we start to feel disillusioned about our partner. We may start to fight, withdraw, or live separate lives as we try to get our partner to heal our unresolved issues with our caretakers.
Zoe Spears, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, adds that the power struggle often begins when there is a build-up of unspoken resentments in the relationship. This can be triggered by time passing or entering a new phase of the relationship, such as moving in together.
The power struggle phase affects everyone in a relationship, but it may be more challenging for some individuals than others. Our attachment styles, past traumas, and temperament traits can intensify the power struggle phase. People with secure attachments tend to navigate this phase more smoothly, as they can disagree without fearing the relationship will end. However, those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles may struggle more, as they may panic or withdraw when conflicts arise.
Our personal history, such as cultural background and experiences of trauma, can also influence how strongly we feel the power struggle. Unrealistic expectations of love can also contribute to the intensity of this phase. According to Zohar, those who believe that love should be easy and effortless are more likely to struggle during this phase.
But the good news is that with willingness and effort, couples can navigate the power struggle phase with grace and without breaking up. According to Spears, the main difference between couples who are successful in overcoming the power struggle and those who are not is their willingness to take accountability, recognize their dysfunctional patterns, commit to the process, and implement healthy communication tools.
Morala emphasizes the importance of not comparing our relationship to others and instead focusing on what works for us. She suggests seeking out research-based books about relationships and couples therapy to gain a better understanding of our relationship from a third party
