The phenomenon of “curveball divorces” is on the rise, according to recent research conducted by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman of the Gottman Institute (GI). These are divorces that blindside one member of a splitting couple, leaving them feeling shocked and devastated. But what leads to these unexpected and often painful separations?
After studying couples and relationships for five decades, the Gottmans have identified four “horsemen” that consistently spell disaster for a relationship. These “horsemen” are communication styles that, according to their research, can predict the end of a relationship. In this article, we will explore these four horsemen and how they can be avoided to maintain a healthy and happy relationship.
1) Criticism
The first horseman is criticism, which is different from offering constructive criticism or bringing up a complaint with your partner. Criticism in this context refers to attacking your partner’s character instead of addressing a specific issue. It is an ad hominem attack that can make the victim feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt. This type of communication often leads to an escalating pattern of conflict.
To avoid criticism, it is important to use “I” statements and focus on the specific issue at hand. For example, instead of saying “You’re lazy, messy, and selfish,” try saying “I feel unappreciated when the bin bag is allowed to get too full. We agreed that was a task you would undertake.” This approach can help to address the issue without attacking your partner’s character.
2) Contempt
Contempt is the second horseman and is often the most destructive. It involves assuming a position of moral superiority over your partner and using sarcasm, ridicule, or mockery to communicate. This can include eye-rolling, name-calling, or making fun of your partner. Contempt is so corrosive to a relationship that it can even lower a couple’s physical immune system. In fact, the Gottmans have found that contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce.
To combat contempt, it is important to build a culture of appreciation in your relationship. This means noticing and expressing gratitude for the small things your partner does. By focusing on the positive aspects of your relationship, you can reduce the likelihood of contempt creeping in.
3) Defensiveness
Defensiveness is a common response to criticism and often arises when one partner feels attacked. Instead of addressing the issue, a defensive partner may reverse the blame or try to seem innocent. This can lead to an escalation of conflict and can be damaging to a relationship.
To avoid defensiveness, it is important to take responsibility for your actions and apologize when necessary. This can help to diffuse the situation and prevent further conflict.
4) Stonewalling
The final horseman is stonewalling, which often occurs as a response to contempt. Stonewalling involves one partner withdrawing from the other and refusing to communicate. This can happen when the other three horsemen become overwhelming and can become a hard habit to break.
To break the habit of stonewalling, it is important to take a short break to calm down before returning to the discussion. This can help to prevent further conflict and allow for a more productive conversation.
In conclusion, the four horsemen of separation – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling – can be detrimental to a relationship. However, by being aware of these communication styles and actively working to avoid them, couples can maintain a healthy and happy relationship. Remember to use “I” statements, show appreciation for your partner, take responsibility for your actions, and take breaks when needed. By doing so, you can prevent a “curveball divorce” and build a strong and lasting relationship.
