As I watched my son walk into his first day of middle school, I couldn’t help but shout out the car window, “I love you!” But instead of his usual big smile in response, I was met with a small smirk. It was a reminder that my not-so-little guy was growing up and moving further away from the toddler who used to cling to me. The weight in my chest made it hard to breathe as I drove home, trying to hold back my tears. Even after 10 years of being a mother, I still struggle with the grief that comes with watching my child grow up.
Before becoming a mom, I was aware of the challenges like lack of sleep, mom guilt, and the never-ending crumbs in my handbag. But what I didn’t expect was the heavy emotions that come with the immense love of being a parent. Megan B. Bartley, a licensed therapist and founder of The Mindfulness Center, explains that grief is a natural part of the parenting process. It is more than just sadness, it is a complex and intense emotion that arises during times of significant change and carries a sense of finality. As our children move from one developmental phase to the next, we experience a sense of loss and grief.
Certified grief educator Moira Khan also confirms that it is normal to experience grief while parenting. As our children grow up and change, we say goodbye to who they were and embrace who they are becoming. This shift can trigger feelings of loss and grief. I remember feeling this way when my son learned to walk and left behind his shuffly crawl, and again on his first day of reception when he waved goodbye. It was my grief that waved hello.
When I dropped my son off for middle school, I was prepared to feel sad. My husband and I had talked about this milestone the night before, so I was ready to experience some emotions. But it was my child’s new adult smile that triggered my grief. As Bartley explains, grief occurs in situations where we have no control. I loved my son’s big kid-like grin, and in that moment, I knew it was gone. This realization triggered my grief.
Bartley also points out that parenting, in itself, is a grieving process. From the moment our children are born, we are constantly letting go of them as they move through different phases. This is a natural and necessary part of parenting, and we should not feel guilty for experiencing grief. It is a universal emotion that all parents go through.
Jessica S., a mother of two from California, shares her experience of parenting grief. She explains that her son’s learning to drive has brought on feelings of loss. She says that 90% of her bonding time with her kids is spent driving them around, and she knows she will lose that mother/child intimacy when her son starts driving on his own. Jessica also mentions that walking her children into school and helping with bath times were all moments that she grieved when they were gone. She adds that the awareness that these moments will never come again only increases the feelings of loss.
Bartley emphasizes that the process of parenting is a constant cycle of being connected to our children and then letting them go. This duality is something that we will experience throughout our parenting journey. Zac H., a father from Indiana, shares his experience of parenting grief when his daughter lost her first tooth. She was at school when it happened, and she threw the tooth in the garbage. Zac and his wife discussed their feelings of loss and not being able to see that little tooth again. These small moments may seem insignificant, but they can trigger intense feelings of grief.
So, how can we honor this process and experience grief in a healthy way? Khan suggests using familiar tools like journaling, exercise, meditation, and healthy eating to support us through our grief. Studies have shown that meditation can boost our mood, and even just 15 minutes of walking a day can reduce the risk of depression. Khan also recommends talking to our support network and not being afraid to reach out for help. She says, “If you have friends and family, lean into these people.” Seeking professional help is also an option, as we do not have to cope with our grief alone. Khan adds, “Sometimes we need help from someone who can relate to our experience.”
Bartley suggests creating a specific grief-honoring ceremony or ritual to help us move through our grief.
