Are you the type of parent who constantly lectures your teenage child? Do you find yourself talking more than you listen when trying to have a conversation with them? According to child psychiatrist Dr. Willough Jenkins, this could be a major mistake that is hindering your relationship with your teenager.
The teenage years can feel like a minefield for parents. Your once sweet and adoring child is now going through major changes, including arguments, mood swings, and sleep disturbances. On top of that, you may feel like you have to constantly translate their use of slang terms like “chat”. In the midst of all these challenges, it’s important to remember that communication is key in maintaining a healthy relationship with your teenager.
Dr. Jenkins highlights one particular mistake that parents may make during the teenage years – constantly lecturing instead of listening. In a recent TikTok video, she states, “If you’re doing most of the talking, you’re probably not having a conversation with your teen… that’s called a lecture.” This may be a hard pill to swallow for some parents, but it’s essential to remember that the key to effective communication is to listen more than you speak.
Dr. Jenkins explains that it’s important for teenagers to feel heard and understood by their parents. By constantly lecturing and talking over them, you may be shutting down important lines of communication. To facilitate more meaningful conversations with your teenager, Dr. Jenkins suggests starting with a question and then pausing to really listen to their response. This simple approach can make a world of difference in your relationship with your teen.
In another TikTok video, Dr. Jenkins shares her views on what makes a successful parent. She argues that listening more than lecturing is a key component of effective parenting. But that’s not all. Dr. Jenkins also suggests that staying calm when things go wrong, repairing the relationship after making a mistake, and setting boundaries with love rather than fear are all important factors in parenting success.
This advice may seem simple, but it’s essential to remember that parenting is not easy. As parents, it’s natural to want to fix everything for our children, especially when they’re going through a tough time. However, as BACP-accredited therapist Lauren Young points out, it’s important to resist the urge to fix everything for teens and instead validate their feelings. When your teen comes to you with a problem, take the time to thank them for trusting you and validate their emotions. This can help them feel understood and supported by you.
Creating a safe and low-pressure space for your teenager is key to helping them open up to you. As therapists have pointed out, teens may feel pressure to please their parents by only sharing the good parts of their lives. By creating an emotionally safe space, you can reassure your teenager that it’s okay to share their struggles with you. This can be done by asking open-ended and emotionally neutral questions such as “How’s everything going lately?” or “How are things feeling for you at school/with friends/life right now?”.
But the most important part of creating a safe and trusting relationship with your teenager is to listen. Really listen. This means putting aside your own thoughts and opinions and truly hearing what your teen has to say. Remember that your goal is not to fix their problems, but to show them that you are there for them and that their emotions are valid.
It’s also important to remember that building trust with your teenager takes time. As BACP-accredited member and psychotherapist Debbie Keenan points out, trust is built in the small, everyday moments, more so than in the big talks. So even if your teenager doesn’t open up to you right away, keep showing up for them and being a reliable presence in their life. This will help them feel supported and loved, and eventually, they may open up to you on their own.
In conclusion, constantly lecturing your teenager is not an effective way to communicate with them. Instead, start by asking them questions and then really listen to their responses. Stay calm during difficult situations, repair the relationship when you make mistakes, and set boundaries with love. Remember to create a safe and low-pressure space for your teenager to open up to you. And most importantly, listen to what they have to say. By following these tips, you can foster a strong and healthy relationship with your teenager and tackle the challenges of raising them with love and understanding.
