The feeling of being ghosted is never a pleasant one. It can leave you feeling confused, rejected, and even hurt. But what if the person isn’t intentionally ignoring you? What if they are genuinely just busy? In a culture that expects instant responses, being busy can often be mistaken for being ghosted, especially when it comes to dating.
According to Monica Berg, a relationship expert and author of “Rethink Love,” this feeling of abandonment is often triggered by our attachment patterns formed in childhood. A pause in communication can bring up old feelings and stories, even though it may not be the reality of the situation.
In the early stages of love, our brains are flooded with cortisol, dopamine, and all the chemical chaos that comes with infatuation. This can make us feel a sense of urgency and obsession, also known as the feeling of “butterflies.” When paired with our unresolved attachment stories from childhood, we may find ourselves reliving them in real time.
Waiting for a response from someone we like never gets any easier. But we can reframe these moments to make them less anxiety-inducing. As Berg suggests, if we have a belief that we are “not enough” or that “everyone abandons me,” even a delayed text can feel like confirmation of those beliefs.
While dating apps have made it easier to connect with potential partners, it has also created a culture of instant gratification. We expect immediate responses from people we are essentially strangers with, and this can lead to unrealistic expectations. It’s important to remember that the other person may have their own schedule, priorities, and boundaries, which are not a reflection of how they feel about you.
However, the absence of a response can trigger a defensive response. We may think things like “They can’t be that busy,” or “They must not be into me.” This constant accessibility and the pressure to always be available can feel intoxicating at first but can quickly become anxiety-inducing and even addictive, especially in new relationships.
This constant need for instant responses can also create a false sense of intimacy through text-based communication. The dopamine hit we get when someone we like texts us back can make us feel like we have a deeper connection than we actually do. This can lead to blurred boundaries and emotional enmeshment, which can be damaging to both individuals in the long run.
Psychotherapist Israa Nasir explains how the dopamine feedback loop in texting and dating apps keeps us focused on external rewards, such as likes, replies, and matches, rather than turning inward to consider if we truly like the person. This reliance on external validation can lead to a distorted sense of self-worth. When someone doesn’t respond, our brain interprets it as a threat, triggering feelings of anxiety, self-doubt, and shame. This can keep us in a reactive loop instead of a grounded state.
It’s important to remember that dating apps are designed to be addictive, not necessarily promoting emotional well-being. They are deliberately “gamified,” designed to maximize user engagement. This can wire us for compulsive behavior and distorted thinking patterns, making it harder to form secure and healthy connections.
So what should you do when you feel anxious or dysregulated when you don’t hear back from someone you are interested in? Berg suggests seeing it as an invitation to grow. Instead of letting old stories and patterns run the show, take a pause, and challenge them. As she puts it, we may not have control over our first thought, but we do have control over our second.
Berg also emphasizes the importance of learning to regulate and soothe our own nervous systems. We should not outsource our peace of mind or our sense of worth to someone else’s response times. This is a shift from “reactive interest” to “conscious interest,” and it’s where real connection begins.
Nasir offers practical guidance on navigating the ambiguity of digital communication. She suggests tracking patterns, not just moments, when it comes to someone’s communication habits. If someone has been consistently responsive before, a delayed reply may just mean they are living their life offline. However, if there has been a sudden, complete drop-off with no explanation for an extended period, it may be considered ghosting.
If you suspect you are being ghosted, Nasir recommends asking directly, but only once. If there is no response after that, take
