“Shrek and Fiona: The Pitfalls of Trying to Date ‘Out of Your League'”
In the world of modern dating, it seems that new terms and trends are constantly popping up. From breadcrumbing to ghosting, it can be hard to keep up with the ever-evolving landscape of romance. But as I dive into the works of Jane Austen, I am reminded that while some of these terms may be new, the actions behind them are not. In fact, I can’t help but wonder if even Lady Susan herself would understand the latest dating trend: “Shrekking”.
If you haven’t heard of it yet, don’t worry – you’re not alone. Consider yourself lucky for avoiding the constant stream of “dating discourse” on social media. But for those in need of a catch-up, here’s what you need to know.
The term “Shrekking” refers to the act of choosing a partner who is considered to be “out of your league” in terms of looks – hence the reference to the not-so-handsome, yet lovable ogre. The idea behind this trend is that by dating someone who is not conventionally attractive, you will be treated better as your partner will supposedly feel compelled to make up for the disparity in attractiveness by showing you extra love and affection.
But before you jump on this bandwagon, let’s take a step back and examine what “Shrekking” really means. According to psychologist Dr. Carolina Estevez, this trend is often a form of emotional self-protection. By dating someone who may be seen as “beneath” your standards, you are creating a buffer against the risks and vulnerabilities that come with dating someone you are truly attracted to. It can also be a result of dating burnout, where people are simply looking for a stable and kind partner, regardless of personal attraction.
But here’s the problem with this trend. “Shrekking” often arises from the exhaustion and frustration of previous bad dating experiences, including being “benched”, “haunted”, and other forms of toxic behavior. In other words, it is a response to the constant disappointments and let-downs that come with modern dating. And while it may feel like a sacrifice to date someone you don’t find physically attractive, it ultimately normalizes dishonesty and avoidance, eroding trust and self-esteem and lowering relationship satisfaction.
I have seen many videos and posts from individuals who are outraged that their ex-partners – who they deem to be less attractive – had the audacity to treat them poorly. Of course, we should always hold bad behavior accountable. But what these individuals fail to realize is that by “deigning” to date someone they weren’t truly attracted to, they were also being unkind and dishonest themselves. It takes two to tango, and it is unfair to solely blame one party for the downfall of a relationship.
Valerie Kowalski, a Gottman-certified couples therapist, believes that “Shrekking” is often an attempt to maintain control in a relationship. By being less attracted to their partner, individuals hope that their partner will become more invested in the relationship. Because if the other person is less invested, then they have more control. But this is a misguided and unhealthy approach to relationships. It is not only unfair to the other person, but it also breeds superficiality and emotional defensiveness, hindering the chance for genuine love.
Dating can be exhausting, and it’s understandable to want to protect ourselves from potential heartbreak. But as Dr. Estevez points out, “Shrekking” does not offer a solution to the inevitable risks that come with finding meaningful love. Instead, it reinforces superficial judgments and emotional defenses. We must learn to anchor ourselves in values instead of the latest trends.
In the end, “Shrekking” is not the answer to finding a fulfilling and lasting partnership. It is an unfair and ultimately unsuccessful attempt at gaining control. As we navigate the world of modern dating, let’s remember to treat others with kindness and honesty, and to recognize that true love is not found in looks alone. And as Jane Austen taught us, we must look beyond societal standards and trust our hearts to lead us to our own version of happily ever after.
