Building Strong Sibling Relationships: Tips for Parents
Sitting between his two older sisters, Rhys Tsiang, a 16-year-old from New Jersey, said, “They kind of just feel like I’m with my friends when I’m with them.”
The three siblings ― Rhys, Kobie Tsiang, 22, and Nori Tsiang, 20 ― have always been close. They often hang out together in Kobie’s bedroom, which they describe as their “communal space.” They watch TV, talk, and walk in without knocking. They are more than just siblings, they are friends.
“We are pretty close,” Kobie Tsiang said. “We hang out regularly and probably more than other siblings do in general.”
The Tsiang siblings told HuffPost that they feel closer now than earlier in their lives, when they faced typical sibling conflicts and resentments.
“I did find my younger brother to be slightly annoying,” Nori Tsiang admitted about her 11-year-old self. But today, they often spend time hanging out together with mutual friends.
“I don’t think we were that close when we were younger. I think it’s changed a lot, though,” Rhys said.
Having the space to build their own authentic relationships with each other, as well as having regular time to spend together, such as on annual family vacations, has helped shape the strong bond the siblings share today.
Building sibling dynamics can be difficult for parents. But there are steps you can take to ensure that your children have a strong and loving relationship with one another.
We asked experts what parents can do to raise siblings who truly like each other. Even siblings who get along well will experience conflicts sometimes. So, don’t confuse a good relationship with a conflict-free one.
“Liking someone doesn’t mean that you don’t ever fight with them,” says psychologist Janine Domingues of the Child Mind Institute. “Expecting your kids to like each other is a reasonable goal, but expecting them to never fight is not. Instead of worrying that your kids’ conflicts will damage their relationship, focus on helping them find a way to resolve the problem at hand. Don’t worry that a fight today will ruin their chances of being close to one another in the future.”
Topsie VandenBosch, a 35-year-old from Los Angeles, and her 26-year-old sister, Pjay Togunde, used to have “sisterly fights and disagreements” while growing up. As they matured and became adults, their nine-year age gap became less of a divide. Now, VandenBosch describes her little sister as “one of my best friends and my rock.”
Togunde agrees. “My relationship with Topsie now is solid,” she told HuffPost.
Experts say that setting high expectations for your children to get along can actually help them get along. “If you expect them not to get along, like if you had problematic relationships with your siblings, they are more likely to have more problems,” says psychologist Laura Markham, author of several parenting books, in an interview with HuffPost. “If you hold it as a family value that we’re family, we can get mad at each other, we can fight, we always work things out. We protect each other and support each other. That will be the value that kids learn about siblings.”
Markham also says it’s important not to bring your own baggage from your sibling relationships to your kids, neither assuming that things will be bad nor trying to replicate a perfect relationship. Also, it’s crucial to cultivate a strong relationship with each of your children individually.
“The research shows that if you, the parent, have a positive relationship with each child, they’re much more likely to have a positive relationship with each other,” she says.
Children need reassurance that you love and accept them just as much as their siblings, even when they’re being difficult.
“The most important thing you can do is work on your relationship with each child, so that each child feels like no matter how much love you give their sibling, there’s more than enough for them,” Markham says.
One way to do this is to schedule special one-on-one time with each child, even if it’s just for five or 10 minutes. Children enjoy having their parent’s undivided attention. Also, remember that the way you treat your children is likely the way they will learn to
