‘Tis the season for peace and goodwill – and an awful lot of let-downs. The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy, love, and happiness, but the reality for many people is far from that. In fact, it can be a time of disappointment, stress, and even sadness. This raises the question: why can Christmas be so disappointing?
Speaking to HuffPost UK, BACP-certified therapists Lina Mookerjee and Roya Royle share their insights on what makes the holidays so disenchanting and what we can do about it.
Expectations are artificially high
Mookerjee points out that much of the media and advertising thrive on tapping into human fears and insecurities, presenting us with products, lifestyles, and images that supposedly define a “successful” Christmas. This creates an unrealistic expectation of what the holiday season should be like.
But she also believes that failing to meet these standards is not always the reason for feeling let down. Often, it’s because what we were led to believe would make us happy does not actually bring us joy.
“At the heart of this is the difference between using an external locus of evaluation and an internal locus of evaluation to make sense of our experience,” she explains.
An “external locus” could be your family, social media, your friends, or simply cultural expectations. These external factors often motivate us to try and meet certain standards, but they may not align with what truly brings us happiness – such as genuine connection, communion, and the sharing of time and attention through presence, not presents.
Memories can play a part too
While Royle agrees that expectations can play a role, she believes that it’s not the whole story when it comes to Christmas disappointment. She explains that sometimes, feelings of disappointment come from trauma instead.
“I often encourage my clients to think about what was happening during a Christmas that felt difficult. Christmas has a strong sensory presence. The smells, sounds, and sights are everywhere, and it’s hard to avoid them,” she says.
Even if someone isn’t consciously thinking about a loss or a trauma, their body may be responding to it. People can find themselves reacting in ways that feel familiar from that time, without always understanding why.
On the other hand, good memories can also contribute to Christmas disappointment. Royle explains that we often make Christmas feel especially exciting for children, and those early experiences can stay with us.
“The sense of anticipation that came with believing in Santa and/or waiting for something magical can still live in the body long after we’ve stopped wanting toys or expecting that kind of magical surprise,” she adds.
How can we avoid Christmas disappointment?
According to Royle, it can help to acknowledge the possibility of Christmas disappointment ahead of time rather than feeling caught off guard by it. She suggests that we should be aware of our own emotions and triggers, and try to prepare ourselves mentally for any potential disappointment.
For her part, Mookerjee advises, “Use your own internal locus to evaluate what will make your Christmas a success for you” rather than trying to fit someone else’s ideal of the perfect holiday.
“Work out what is important for you, i.e. your beliefs, values, and principles… Know that you always have options, and that includes choosing to go with convention,” she says, as long as that’s what you truly want.
“If you choose to go your way, allow yourself to work out how you want to celebrate. Decide what matters for you and how you want to share your Christmas,” she adds.
In conclusion, Christmas disappointment can stem from unrealistic expectations and past memories, but it doesn’t have to ruin the holiday season. By acknowledging the possibility of disappointment and focusing on what truly brings us joy, we can create a meaningful and fulfilling Christmas experience. So, let’s take charge of our own happiness and make this holiday season one to remember.
