Emotionally Distant Couple: Understanding Covert Avoidance
Expert comment provided by BACP-accredited counsellor Natasha Nyeke and BACP-accredited therapist Lisa Gates.
If you’ve read, watched, or heard any relationship advice in the past few years, chances are you’ve heard of “attachment styles”.
These are part of attachment theory, which was developed by psychoanalyst John Bowlby. He believed that the way our parents interacted with us as children affects how we form and maintain relationships as adults.
Broadly, these attachment styles have been split into four groups: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
An avoidant attachment style is associated with avoiding intimacy, dismissing others, running from relationships that feel too close, and struggling with commitment issues. However, it turns out that not all avoidantly attached people have “overt”, or clear, avoidance tactics.
According to counsellor Natasha Nyeke and therapist Lisa Gates, the signs of “covert” avoidance can be so subtle that they can appear like devotion.
What is “covert avoidance”?
“When people think of avoidance in relationships, they often picture someone pulling away, working longer hours, drinking more, staying out late, shutting down, or becoming defensive during difficult conversations. That’s overt avoidance. The distance is visible,” Nyeke said.
But with covert avoidance, that gap can be a lot more subtle.
Nyeke says that the person may look “present, committed, even devoted” while feeling a growing distance between themselves and their loved ones.
“Covert avoidance is hidden and indirect [and] is often internalized,” Gates agreed.
What are the signs of “covert avoidance”?
One of the reasons it can be so hard to spot covert avoidance is that many of the signs are internal and almost look like extreme dedication on the outside.
“The person may look present, committed, even devoted,” Nyeke said.
“They might lean in harder, take on more, over-prepare, or become indispensable, but underneath, in both cases, they are struggling to tolerate feelings of vulnerability, helplessness, or uncertainty.”
Gates also stated that a person may replay “fearful scenarios” in their relationships that shift the focus away from real-life exposure and taking action. They may also use coping strategies such as rumination, dissociation, or quietly withdraw from a distressing situation.
Additionally, Gates explained that procrastination and cognitive distortions can delay having challenging conversations because the individual may be waiting for the “right time” to occur, which means they do not engage in the necessary actions.
Furthermore, some individuals may have fantasies about the success or failure of communicating with someone without actually taking any real action. Other patterns can include avoiding eye contact, chronic worry or apprehension about something unrelated that masks the real distress.
What should I do if I notice “covert avoidance”?
If this sounds like you, both experts agree that help is available.
“At its core, this often links back to self-esteem. If someone doesn’t fully trust that who they are, without over-performing or withdrawing, is enough, vulnerability can feel risky. Avoidance becomes a way of staying safe,” Nyeke explained.
“Avoidance isn’t a character flaw; it’s a protective strategy. The work in therapy is to gently build the confidence that being emotionally honest doesn’t equal being rejected, and to accept that who you are is enough.”
Gates also believes that staying mindful during times of avoidance can be helpful. By noticing and acknowledging your behavior and thought patterns, you can begin to identify and address the root causes of your avoidance.
She suggests thinking things like “I notice I’m avoiding talking to that person, even though I want a connection,” which can help to bring awareness to your actions. Then, consider taking a positive first step, such as “I’ll explore this collaboratively with a trusted friend using non-blaming communication for 10 minutes and then reassess.”
It’s essential to be honest with yourself about your feelings and to try grounding techniques if you’re feeling out of control or distressed. Therapists may also use techniques such as ACT, Exposure therapy, or Psychodynamic methods to explore covert avoidance and help you overcome it.
In conclusion, it’s important to understand that covert avoidance is not a character flaw, but a coping mechanism that has developed to protect oneself. With self-awareness, support from loved ones, and
